confessions of a rakstar's wife

it's about time i start thinking of me for a change. im always trying to worry about everyone around me especially those who are close to my heart. im feel like im starting to forget myself again. of course, i've finally found some "ME" time again...im back in the gym.

i really need to get fit. i want to feel stronger and happier as these past few weeks i really have been quite depressed and exhausted. there's a lot of things in my mind lately and im trying to just ignore those little annoyances that pass my way. i just can't be bothered anymore. it just breaks my heart and i don't want to think about them anymore.

true, im just prolonging the inevitable but i have to be honest with you... im just really tired of everything. work is a bitch but i suppose it keeps my mind occupied. homefront doesn't necessarily help either. im just glad my beautiful daughter can make me smile even though life, at the moment sucks.

i love her so much. she is my life. i feel so happy that she loves me right back. i adore her.

she is the source of my strength especially at times when i feel like im sinking to deepest part of the ocean. when i feel alone, i know she will never leave me. im very appreciative of that.

there's this cloud hanging over my head at the moment, but i don't want to deal with it right now. im tired of fighting and im tired of getting hurt. im just praying that it will just resolve itself without permanent damage. i just hope it stops. i won't elaborate anymore. it's something i need to keep to myself for now.

i wish that i don't love the way i do coz i always end up hurting in the end. i don't know if i still can take it.

it has been awhile since i blogged. i have to admit, there are times when i avoid to even click on the site in the hopes of never to explore my feelings. but, with everything else there is a certain point where we have to face the inevitable.

lately, i've been feeling very angry and lonely. im sure there's a few contributing factors here and there but it doesn't seem to fade (the loneliness) away. i feel no one understands me anymore. i don't feel that i can connect with anyone at this point in time. even when i try to explain myself, it seems like im always in the wrong.

these past few days have been hard, it's obvious by my eyebugs that i lack sleep... to a point that its affecting my eyesight. my insomnia has also taken onboard a passenger, a miserable migraine.

what can you blame for all of this? of course, the most obvious answer...LOVE.

i can't sleep coz of it.

the love of my life is causing me to feel this way... he is testing my patience, hard. he's stretching my limits. now, im left questioning myself whether my love it still worth it hayyy.

i had this epiphany this afternoon as i head off to work... me and a certain loved one want different things in life now. i know what i want in life, and lately i've realized, whatever he wants its not something i'd want to do for the rest of our lives. i am supportive of what he does and wants but that is not enough for me. i want things in life too. i do deserve to have those things coz i DO work hard for my family. i have sacrificed so much for them. I feel as if i have to forget my own needs so that everyone around me will be happy. but now i do not feel happy at all.

i am a walking zombie.

i have manage to be awake for 24hrs, from working and trying to have a social life. here i am paying the consequence of dizzy spells, and eyebugs for the rest of my life. i must've had a total of 6 coffees to keep me awake i would've settled for red bull or V or mother but im too exhausted to get one. just glad i survived the shift before falling down. i need to sleep big time!

yeaaaahhhh inn aa fewww minutesss timeee.

zzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

a note to self:

never ever let anyone make you feel inferior. you are a person with feelings and have the right to express what you feel. don't ever think that they can just take you for granted just because you are kind to them.

keep strong not only for yourself but also for your daughter. you can only take so much heartache from people. always think of the good side of things, forget all the disappointment the important thing is you have a daughter to love and will love you back.

try to be a little bit more patient even though your hanging on by a thread. there is always hope that one day things will get better.

pray to God for strength and understanding to whatever it is your going through. you can do it cheryl! think of your daughter as she is the single most important thing in your life right now. no matter what happens everything that you do offer it to her. she will appreciate you in time.

as for your own feelings, the hurt will always be there. one day you will heal. one day. someone will realize how much you have done for them. one day.

smile...even if you're crying inside.
laugh... even if you're hurting inside.
understand... even if you have tried your best to forget.

make sure you read this when you feel you need a boost. you are a good person. you have done so much to the people you love. they may not realize it yet, pray that one day they will.

always have hope.

What are your plans for the weekend?

well nothing planned actually... maybe fishing later at around 4am... i haven't had any sleep yet and my little one is with the grandparents so hopefully a very cold dawn to look forward to...

[/edit] ok so we didn't go fishing, me and hubby went to city extra for a very late dinner instead. Had fettucine bosciola and rump steak respectively. we also saw a drunken chick being arrested by police @ one world sports bar... that's about it.

this is what i've been doing today...

Moody

i may sound like im whinging but i have to admit i'm only 2-seconds away to blowing my top. these days, should i really bother to care?

mark this day: sunday, may 21, 2007...

today, i have decided to stop worrying about you let alone batt an eyelash towards your direction. i don't want to be a part of the team anymore as i am the only one putting the effort. you have tested my patience and i only have paper-thin tolerance left to understand you. what the hell happened? you weren't like this before? i don't deserve to be treated this way. do you enjoy hurting my feelings? i really don't know anymore.

aarrgghhhhhhhhhhhh!

circa: april 28, may 5 and may 12, 2007...

Another pat on the back for boys of QuadBox for another successful event of Pinoy Rock Revival (PRR) series of shows. once again, blacktown's @ the basement was jam-packed with Filipinos to let their hair down and rock n roll!

something sonic
sweet mojo
daraya road
iskatchtape...

since it was hubby's last gig with iskatchtape (boohoo yes, he left the band now) it was one memorable moment... here's just a sneak peek...

so i encourage you to support local filipino bands here in sydney. the rockscene is starting to boom -- finally!

hubby on bass

Which band or artist which is no longer performing or alive would you have loved to have seen?
Submitted by Rev Stan.

Nirvana hands down... i am a big kurt cobain fan big time and it's unfortunate that i will never ever see them perform live. the other band is smashing pumpkins. although i've been hearing from the grapevine that there is a new album coming out at the end of this year, and i am positive they will have a tour straight after its release. Hopefully i will be able to watch them. hehehe

i got PMS. am i moody you ask? yup. right you are.

i've been snapping at anyone who comes within 10feet away from me. let me at least blow off my steam for today. yup, i've done the crying thing too. i can't help it. the moment i utter a word, here come the waterworks. i have to admit, there is a lot of things in my head lately that i have to figure out... to understand but i guess i'm well too exhausted to even try.

it really feels like im stranded in a deserted island with no one to talk to, no one to help me, no where to go. even if i yell on top of my lungs for H-E-L-P, my screams just drown within the waves. i am sure you've seen cast away... exactly my point. no one's there to help but myself.

sometimes i feel like running away. yeah im good at that. may it be a problem, or coz of anger... it clears my head for the time being. i do realize that when i come back to my senses, the problem is still there. i guess avoidance doesn't really help. i'm actually comtemplating now whether i should just take the easy way out or deal with my issues even if it's really difficult to comprehend.

do you know the answer by any chance?

the only person that sheds light to my darkness is rochelle. i'd be crying and when i see her angelic face smiling back at me, i can't help but smile back. i forget my worries in an instant. i do thank her for that. she's the only one i've got. she is the only person that makes sense in my life. the only one that gives me just that extra bit of strength when i'm about to fall. i am truly greatful that she came to my life. i love her so much. my baby girl.

i guess i've just answered my question...

i just have to keep thinking... para sa kapakanan ng anak ko ang lahat ng gagawin ko... time to stop being selfish and do my best. i hope things will get easier these next few days. oh i do need a big cuddle. i must give my lil girl a long cuddle later on... to make me feel better.